The "I've Had It" Department

Flying used be kind of fun. Today, it's an enterprise on the order of Teddy Roosevelt organizing his expedition to the Amazon. I now have all the shoe rules memorized for all major US airports, airport friendly shoes, plastic jewelry, jackets with non-metallic zippers and buttons, and am working on the gels, aerosols, and sprays. But these are least of an air traveler's problems and vexations. Let's take airport and aircraft announcements. These are way, way out of hand.

On a recent flight from Detroit to Dulles, a flight of 56 minutes, there were fourteen announcements. That's roughly one announcement every three minutes. First, there was the obligatory announcement that the flight is a non-smoking flight. Right. Unless you have been living under a rock for the past 25 years, you know this. (I believe there are some flights in Russia that still permit smoking; placing chickens in the overhead bins is also permitted.) Second, there was the announcement that there is no smoking in the restrooms. Again, if you have not been under a rock, this rule has been in force for the past 20 years. Third, there is the announcement about the price of drinks and necessity for correct change. What is new about this? On and on. It's virtually impossible to read, listen to an iPod, look out the window—do anything but listen to inane chatter. (Yes, I'm well aware that the FAA does mandate certain announcements, but I don't think that annoucing the price of drinks or the incipient beverage service is mandated.)

Airports are worse than airplanes as far as noise goes. Again, there is the smoking announcement: "Blah International Airport is a non-smoking facility. Smoking is permitted in designated areas only." Again, the federal non-smoking policy has been in force for over two decades. Then there is the terrorism threat reminder. Last week it was orange. What does this mean? Bazookas in the valet parking lots? What if the terrorism threat level were red? No flight departures? The airport is under seige? No one knows what these colors mean. Homeland Security doesn't even know what they mean. And tow those people who are illegally parked in front of Door 2 and be quiet about it. As for those unattended bags, it is only common sense to keep your eye on your luggage and notify someone if bags are lying around. Zipper the lips on this one. For those people who have failed to master the rudiments of organization and, in consequence, failed to meet their parties, provide a "lost souls" corral where they can gather. No need to broadcast the names. Besides, no one can ever find the "white courtesy phones" anyway.

Here's what we want to hear over the PA system in the airport and in the air: information about our flight, information from the pilot relevant to the flight, and information about safety. That's it. The rest can be put on a card in several different languages with a series of tick boxes for the terrorism threat level. While I wait for this to happen, I'm getting noise-cancelling earphones.

Comments

[Educational Tour Marm]

In 1980, one could get on an Eastern Air shuttle at LaGuardia to go to either Boston or Washington National and pay on the plane!

One Friday after work, I decided at the last minute to visit a friend, who lived in Boston, for the weekend. I rushed from the subway to the bus to the airport and ran through the gate, and luckily boarded the ;ast flight. I was so proud of myself! Immediately after we leveled off, the captain announced that the flight time to Washington was an hour and 10 minutes!

There was nothing I could do about it mid-air, so I sheepishly paid the fare.

When I arrived in Virginia, I rememmbered I had a friend that worked at the Pentagon and contacted him - definitely a damsel in distress as I had never been to the area.

After crashing at his shared townhouse, we walked around Old Town Alexandria the next morning. It was beautiful!

I called my mother that day and told her I was moving; I've lived in Alexandria been ever since!

However, I can only reflect on how different my life would have been had that announcement been made at the time we were seated and not after the take-off!

[Kelly in Kansas]

Does not sound like a good flight home! But I am glad to see a new blog post. :-)